The Sober Scientist: How Did Alcohol Sneak Into Motherhood?

The cataclysmic effects of Wine Mom Culture on motherhood and 3 ways to reverse them

Nov 17, 2024

WTF with “The Sober Scientist”

I’m working with a speaker strategist/storytelling expert on nailing my pitch, my story, my brand, and my first two keynote speeches. On our first call, I broke down (but are we surprised tho) and told her how hard and lonely it was doing this 90-days off-the-dating-apps-thing. I was confused when the look on her face was one of elation rather than a mirror of my distress. “Are you kidding? This is great!” she jubileed. “This is research for your body of work. This is your first keynote. You are your most valuable case study. Be a student of your own evolution. Take copious notes. You will use this data when you teach people how to

liberate themselves from escapism culture.”

This is why the f*ck with “The Sober Scientist,” a new spin on my (soon to be) weekly newsletter. Because I believe becoming researchers, investigators, explorers, and archeologists of our own experience is the fastest way to Self-Revolution + Evolution. And that’s what I want this newsletter, this community, this space, this forum, this incendiary itch maker, to be about.

I hope that in ten years' time, when my girls are in college using their thesaurus app to find another word for “Freedom” next to “liberation,” they will see the word “sobriety.”

*The science reframe on the sober life feels right. Fretting my hair white and unsleeping my eyes red so I could experiment with my body and brain in different environments, with different variables and stressors. Taking rigorous notes. Being curious about it all. Sensing relief when the first experiment didn’t end up killing me.

Confirmation Bias(es)

Due to evolutionary adaptations or *perhaps* a modern culture based on comfort-seeking, most, if not all, humans are wired to hunt and gather evidence that supports what they already believe to be true.

For example, people who believe there is one god will seek out other people who believe in their one god. People who believe in politics will seek out other people who believe in their politics. People Marsha drives up the wall will seek out other people Marsha drives up the wall. Moms who believe drinking is necessary to survive motherhood will seek out other moms who drink to survive motherhood. It’s comforting. It feels safe. It’s human nature. It involves less work. Like choosing a hot water bottle and slippers at night over being one of seven angry monkeys locked in a refrigerator with half a banana. The phenomena of seeking out “oh, you’re absolutely right” data over the contradictory kind is what we in the scientific field call “Confirmation Bias.”

*author’s note: if you haven’t already deduced by my frequent misnomery, my gross overuse of perhapses, and my lack of citation, I am in no way or in any shape a formally trained scientist. I DID, however, grow up having Sunday lunch around a table with three attorneys. As far as I’m concerned, this was as good a training as any for feigning mid-level intelligence, defending one’s position, and convincing yourself you can pass for something you’re not.

Reality Is A Choice We Make

My love affair with the bottle did not start in motherhood, although motherhood was the rocketship that launched it into something else. My drinking career started in high school when I had it for the first time and observed my gut-punchy, murderous thoughts disappear. The murderocity was always aimed at myself. And maybe a few mean girls, but it’s not like I ever had an actual plan to execute. Them.

Back to Motherhood. Motherhood. The first year of the first Motherhood.

I knew postpartum depression was imminent. It runs rampant among the women in my family. Knowing it was coming, unfortunately, wasn’t enough to make it not come. This was back in 2014. A decade ago. Holy Jesus (sorry, don’t come looking for me on the “only one god” front. We may end up in the fridge).

The bottom line was I was miserable, and I didn’t mean to be. I felt like my identity as “wild party animus” had been replaced by “utter jug.” I was tethered to this beautiful, terrifying creature I did not understand. The concept of Freedom had been scratched from my lexicon. The only way I knew how to submit to this change, to let it have me, was to drink. Drinking somehow made it all ok. For about thirty minutes. Then, I spent the rest of the time trying to chase the initial euphoric feeling.

I surrounded myself with other moms who coped the same way. See *Confirmation Bias* above. We would meet up for afternoon play dates and watch our kids crawl around while gulping champagne or merlot. Trying to sip and snack between being needed all the time. It felt good while I was with them. But driving home when I shouldn’t have been, with a baby in my car that shouldn’t have been, then realizing I hadn’t actually solved anything (not to mention alcohol is a depressant) sent me plunging deeper into the new mom blues than I had been before. Which probably meant I needed more wine the next night. Or needed to start earlier, one.

In case I was doubting my new mom strategy, I Whine Mommy Wines knee jerking hilarious! tank tops started popping up at Target. Rose All Day became the slogan of that first summer as a mom for me and my friends. We weren’t bad or wrong. It was the medicine we were being administered. The most natural, normal thing in the world. Drinking to survive motherhood. The moms of the 60s preferred Benzo’s (see: Mother’s Little Helper). It’s not like we’d invented this survival strategy. Every generation had their great escape.

And so alcohol snuck into motherhood. Through universal normalization. Through Target apparel. Through mom detectives drinking their way through every binge-worthy Netflix series. Through neighbors and friends mirroring behavior they saw in the only places they knew to look.

What I’m saying is that it’s not our fault that we drink. We’ve been trained like petite, well-dressed toy soldiers. It IS our responsibility to stop the cycle. For our sons and daughters. For ourselves. If you think you’re drinking has no effect on them, the case studies show it does. They are learning how to cope with stress through watching you. They are conducting their own scientific research through observation.

3 Proven Methods For Change Acceleration

CHANGE YOUR THINKING
1. Sounds trivial. But thoughts create our reality. If you determine to look at sobriety as the greatest sacrifice, as the most depressing hemisphere in which to conduct the remainder of your sad, sad life, then I guarantee you, it will be.
2. On the other hand, if you approach the brave new world of sobriety as your life’s greatest adventure, your grandest experiment, as the most worthy and transformational work you will ever do, in the spirit of curiosity and self-study, then I guarantee you, it will be that, too.
FIELD NOTES // DATA COLLECTION
1. Find a notebook or journal with space. Don’t delay or put it off because you don’t have the right paper or pen to write with. Time is of the essence. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Today starts today.
2. At the top of the paper, write TODAY’S DATE. For your first entry, write the TIME. Underneath that, write OBSERVATIONS:
  1. Under that, write: Right now, I feel ______________ (include emotions, bodily sensations, thought patterns, the urge to drink, anything coursing through you right now)
  2. Underneath that, write, I coped by ______________ (opening this notebook and filling it in, taking a deep breath, etc.)
  3. Underneath that, write: I noticed that when ________ happened _________ happened. (When I thought about my workload tomorrow, I wanted a drink. When I hopped on Instagram and saw my mom friend drinking, I wanted a drink. When my kid threw a tantrum, I wanted to run away. When my husband refused to help me, I wanted to scream into a pillow. Wring his neck. Then drink.) You are tracking “triggers”: things that set you off or “trigger” the drinking behavior or unhealthy response in you. (side note: You can use this for ANY OTHER BEHAVIOR also, not just drinking.)
MAKE IT A HABIT
1. Creating a new habit is always the hardest part. But as the weakest, most pitiful and puny of the litter, I’m here to tell you, if I can do this, you can do it with both hands tied behind your back.
2. Remember Pavlov’s dogs? He trained them to salivate (learned response) every time they heard a bell ring (trigger). You have been trained (by culture) to crave a drink (learned response) every time you experience a stressor (trigger). You are in the process of unlearning and rewiring your behavioral patterns. Wouldn’t it be INCREDIBLE to take your power back from “The Man” and become master of your own story? Your very own Pavlov? (this is an example of changing your thinking. Become an avid enthusiast over every step of this process, and I can guarantee you will experience positive results five times more quickly).
3. Back to making it a habit. Every time you “hear a bell”(experience a trigger), I want you to practice taking out your notebook and scribbling down observations. Every time. Get your reps in. Don’t worry about slipping up. Just keep coming back to it. Let this tracking become your tether right now. Keep a notebook in every room. Keep a pen in your pocket protector at all times. Or slotted into your beehive. Whatever. Make it easy for yourself. This is hard work. And yet, here you are doing it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I’d especially love to hear from those who have found sobriety in the last 5 years or moving in that direction! (As always, in this space, you’re invited to share your personal experience; no unsolicited advice or spreading of hate and division, please.)

How have you experienced the normalization of drinking in social groups or through mass marketing? If so, how have you responded?
Do you ever find yourself taking a drink at a play date just to keep from raising eyebrows?
What has been the hardest part about staying sober in motherhood? What ways have you discovered to cope instead?