Lessons In Celibacy: 28 Days

I have not touched a man or a dating app in 28 days!

Nov 09, 2024

The dorsal valve of the clamshell narrows down
Loved-up on silty bottom
Sits in silence
Eyeless formature cradles her into existence
Original life on the lip of emergence
Black nacre drips from mantle
Rounding layers
Softened tissue
Rocking sift
Sea of Possibility
Irritation to iridescence
and so we dance
Become something new again

Pema Chödrön, Tibetan monk and author, says:

“To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.”

To live is to be willing to die over and over again.

I’m 28 days into my 90-Day Vow of Celibacy. You might be wondering if I am practicing nunnery. While I do enjoy my morning habit, alas, I would not last a day in the order.

Things are getting easier. Better. The habit of checking my phone every thirty seconds is dissolving back into its compulsive ocean.

I am operating from a series of underground tunnels. One ends in the node of my apartment. The other spits me out at the yoga studio. The last empties me into a forest spot for hiking/research. Other than that, I plan to hunker down for the winter. Become a master fire starter. A free woman. A warmer mother. An inspired artist with a bit more mystique. Less melodrama.

I can feel myself getting stronger. Strengthening the underdeveloped muscles of self-reliance, conviction, and interior approval. Yes, yes. I am still huffing caffeine. Growth happens in layers. I can only hack off one infected toenail at a time. Until January 11, I will continue to tend to my own garden so that I can emerge with an impenetrable constitution. Not of the United States. Of my soulstomach.

Once the initial facial ticks and wrist twitches indicative of app withdrawal began to subside, I remembered that I enjoyed hanging out with myself. Just like with alcohol, once the decision had been made to quit and there was no turning back, my mind settled into a natural lazy river state.

We don’t realize how much COGNITIVE PANDEMONIUM goes into the addiction debate:

Do I or don’t I? For how many minutes? For how many drinks? Can I just take one hit before the timer goes off? Can’t I just swipe through ten more? I deserve it! I just worked so hard! I am such a hard worker. Why am I never rewarded for being such an upstanding citizen? Everyone else is lucky but me. I hate my life. I’m hungry, but I don’t want to cook. I’ll just eat this leftover Halloween candy. I’ll just drink this wine to quell my hunger. Make me forget I never asked for this. How did I end up here? Do I or don’t I? How many drinks can I have and still function tomorrow? How much casual sex can I have and still respect myself? How little sex can I have with my husband and pretend everything’s ok? I’ll just swipe five more! Give me a break! Oh, he’s decent. He’ll definitely match with me. Oh, look, we’re having a conversation. My heart is racing, and I’m not hungry anymore. I’ve forgotten all my troubles! All I need is this last hit. And then I’ll be happy. All I need is ____, and then I’ll be happy. All I need is ____, and then I’ll be happy. I just need to be thinner. I just need to finish this course. I just need to close my eyes and get it over with. I just need a little mommy juice. I just I just I just.

Once the decision has been made to never question your decision, your thoughts are free to explore their expansive curiosities and wonderments.

Right now, I am in the process of studying my process of addiction resilience. I am my own case study. Which methods work? Which ones don’t? At what stage would it be helpful to introduce this tool? How many days in did I start feeling better? A comparison and contrast between my sobriety from alcohol and my sobriety from technology. Which narratives need to be yanked out by the roots in order to fall madly in love with my life again after this?

(^^Research for the Keynote speech I’m writing - eek!)

It’s all very fascinating, and I’m trying to be mysterious about it. I’ll let you know if that plan fails, like my plan to come off antidepressants a few weeks ago. I like to believe that failures give the work teeth. I have no plan of stopping.

**Thank you for accompanying me on all my whacky tangents and side roads. If you are joining along, you are starting to feel good about where you are. I would love to hear what you’re struggling with, your wins, and how I can help.

So much love and gratitude for you,

Rosie