How To Stay Sober This Thanksgiving
Taking Your Power Back At The Turkey Trot
Family.
In your house. In your space. Sniffing around your finances. Judging neglected floorboards. Poking holes in your parenting prowess.
Boundaries.
Hopscotched. Jumproped. Rubber banded. Slingshot square in the replacement patch of your Supersober jet pack.
Boom!
Triggers Triggers everywhere. Little landmines beneath the kilim rug. In the acrid waft of Uncle Ron’s breath. In every reminder. Of why you drank in the first place.
Your Brain
Your greatest asset and your worst enemy. Your brain will spit lies like GMO corn teeth. Your brain will try, the dear little beast, to convince you to take the same road you’ve always taken. Because that’s the only road it knows.
Familiarity is safety. Conformity is belonging. Shrinking is loveable.
The path well worn. The result: calculated. Evidenced. Let’s not make a fuss. How about we all just get along? Take the glass and everything can go back to normal.
This.
Is a lie.
This.
Is nothin’ but cornhole casserole.
But I don’t need to tell YOU this. Because you already know.
I know because I’ve been there. Right at the seam of bursting into new life. Straddling the canyon of death and rebirth. No longer and not yet. One foot in an old world. One foot in a new one. Occupying the space between: THAT the juice of this work. If you can master the art of sitting in discomfort, my friend, you’ve learned the secret to life.
That’s all drinking is. An escape from temporary discomfort. The more you rely on drinking as the solution (which is the natural progression of long-term drinking), the less you start to trust your own capacity for creative problem-solving. Using external means to solve internal problems will keep you stuck for a lifetime.
Today, my friend, is the day you take your power back. The generational cycle of drinking stops with you. This is part of the legacy you leave to your kids.
The more you pour yourself into your sober life, the clearer it becomes that it’s not even about sobriety. It’s about creating a life you don’t have to escape from. It’s about calling your life force energy back from all the sockets it’s been plugged into that keep you stuck (institutions, ideas, people whose approval you need, corn casserole mistruths). It’s about being the author and authority of your own damn life. Becuase if you don’t pick up the pen now, somebody else is going to write the story for you.
Tools for The Dinner Table
SCRIPTS:
Scenario: Mom corners you at the kitchen sink and starts grilling you on your life choices.
Response: It sounds like this is important to you. I’m not available for this conversation right now.
Scenario: Dad/anyone gives you a hard time when you refuse wine with your meal.
Response: When you ________ it makes me feel _________. No one. Not nobody can argue about how their actions make you feel. Dad, when you pressure me to drink, it makes me feel sad. Like you don’t respect my healthy choices.
Scenario: Cousing/aunt continues to push. Trying to come off jokey but ruffles your tail feathers.
Response: No thanks, I’m not drinking right now.
Always be kind. If you can, pull all the emotion out of your response. Get “flat” with it. Say it from a neutral place in yourself.
Remember: NO is a complete sentence. You are a grown adult. You get to employ it whenever you see fit. Even if it is to family. Even if you feel like the rules don’t apply to them. They do. You are protecting your inner sanctum. You are doing everyone a favor even though it doesn’t feel like it. The more you practice the easier it will come. But at first, it will feel unnatural. That’s OK. You are doing it right. You are right where you need to be.
Scenario: Mom or sibling goes for the jugular: I just don’t understand. It’s not like you have a problem with drinking. You’re changing in all these ways and I don’t understand it.
Response: That sounds hard.
Period. The end.
May be followed by: I’m going to grab some cheesecake before Uncle Ron steals the last piece again!
Keeping your responses simple can feel like the cruelest act. But it’s your best bet at holding your boundaries. The less you say, the less there is to shoot at.
Gentle deflection is your friend in these moments. You have full permission to change the subject entirely.
REMEMBER: Changing the script will present as a threat to the people who like you the way you are. You are inadvertently holding up a mirror to their behavior. And let’s be honest, who wants that? Be soft with them. They are doing the best they can with the tools they have. I say this because, in the past, I have taken these natural pushbacks as personal attacks and not shown kindness in return. This is just the way change looks. At first, very much like a tangled mess of chicken wire.
REMEMBER: Protect your energy even if it makes other people squirm.
Think of it as a DISCOMFORT REDISTRIBUTION project you’re working on. This is just the research and development phase.
BATHROOMS + BREATHWORK
When you feel edgy, excuse yourself, or don’t. Lock yourself in the bathroom.
Sit on the toilet.
Take an EXAGGERATED ENERGY-CLEARING SIGH. Sigh like you mean it. Like you’d be embarrassed if someone else heard you. Like you’ve never been so relieved to find respite in the house of the porcelain gods. SIGHING activates the vagus nerve, which stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest - this is what you want, trust me). Sigh, like you are finally safe. Like your life depends on the intensity of this sigh.
Close down your eyes. Don’t squeeze; just lightly close. Curl your ears back so your scalp softens and any tension releases from your face. Trick your body into believing it is not being chased by coyotes. Your mind will follow.
Take TEN BOX BREATHS (—> In for 4 —> Hold for 4 —> Out for 4 —> Hold for 4)
TECH SUPPORT
I cannot emphasize this enough. Reaching out to someone you trust and asking them to sit with you through this has saved my life more times than I can count. Trying to do it alone doesn’t work. I’ve tried that, too.
REMEMBER: The opposite of addiction is connection. We have to remember that we are not in this alone. Isolation, secrets, shame-pooling, all breed disease. All you have to do is take the first vulnerable step and admit you could use some help.
TEXT ME! I always give out my phone number on Thanksgiving. I’m here for you. And I WANT TO BE. 337 529 2304.
SOS signal: Hey Rosie, it’s ____. I’ve eaten too much corn. I need backup. Or the Heimlich. One.
DISTRACT YOURSELF
The average craving lasts 3 minutes. In the beginning the object is to distract yourself for 3 minutes. Busy your hands. Scratch words into your journal.
Here’s the RIGHT NOW prompt you can do before, during, or after Thanksgiving: Right now, I am feeling ______. Set your timer for 5 minutes. Free write. Go.
Your discomfort and irritability need a place to land. Preferably not in the bread basket or on baby Joey’s bib before the second course.
When we suppress our feelings, we are robbing ourselves of the wisdom they have to share. The feelings are NOT the enemy. The feelings are the starter breadcrumbs on the path back to yourself.
Pickle Relish In Your Efforts
Congratulations. Wading through the discomfort of changing the dance steps, of wanting to scream out of your stretchy pants or into a pillow, just means you’re doing it right. Life. All of it.
Choosing to stick to the landing when you want to run is the bravest, most radical thing you can do. And the more times you do it, the more your confidence and self-efficacy start to build. The more you come to believe in the untapped resources of your illustrious (what I call) “Solar Powered Life.” The kind of life that emanates from the inside out.
Never question your decision to quit drinking. Not ever. I might not be the brightest bait in the tackle box, but I can tell you that this was the most liberating and life-accelerating decision I ever made. You can accomplish in one year sober what took you ten years drinking. Remember that, too.
Sobriety, my compadre, is a superpower. Once you realize that, you can start leaving your jetpack at home.
Love you,
Rosie
Happy Thanksgiving Loves!!!
I am so grateful for you. Thank you for your support and presence throughout the years. For those of you who are new and those who have been with me from the start of my sober journey 6 years ago. None of this would be possible without you.
All my love,
Rosie