Getting Sober With A Partner Who Isn't

One of the top 5 fears around sobriety

“Getting Sober With A Partner Who Isn’t”

Last week, I asked posed a question to my Instagram community:

What is the scariest part about getting sober?

The number one answer was this:

I’m scared of what sobriety will do to my marriage.

If you are in a long-term relationship with someone who has no intention of getting sober, and you’re scared about it, you are right on track. You’re not doing anything wrong. So many of us drink past our expiration date for this very reason. 

• “What will we have in common anymore if we don’t have our love of wine?”

• “How will I keep my commitment to sobriety if there’s still alcohol in the house?”

• “How will our relationship withstand the great rift this decision will cause?”

Here’s my take on it:

—>This isn’t about anyone else: It’s about YOU.

Here’s a quote by Ryan Blair to tuck in your back pocket for rainy days: 

“If it’s important, you’ll find a way. If it’s not, you’ll find an excuse.”

I used my ex-husband and our drinking as an excuse for no less than ten years. I know more intimately than I care to admit, the depths of this destructive thinking pattern. We met working a bar in New Zealand, for f*cks sake. “I could never!”

*back of hand to forehead 

*Scarlet O’Hara gasp 

Is it scary? YES

Will you make it through this shift? I don’t know.

I wish I had a crystal ball, but alas, I’m still saving up. All I know is, if alcohol is layered that deep into the meringue of your marriage, it might be something to consider looking at more closely. 

Getting sober may very well be THE most important thing you do. Showing your kids that you don’t need to drink to deal with life’s challenges; that you can process hard things using healthy coping skills might be the most critical work you do here on earth.

So, let’s revisit the question:

Is it scary? YES

Is it worth the risk? ONE THOUSAND TIMES YES

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—> We are enlightened beings with an evolutionary bent. It is your birthright to grow, evolve, and change.

Shoving people, alcohol, and excuses before the great portal of your divine transformation will never fully suppress the tug. It will only cause suffering and dis-ease. The longer you wait, the louder the noise inside your noggin will get. I know this from experience. Towards the end, I was drinking just to mute the voice telling me I was prolonging the inevitable and being a dingbat (not you, me). Get it over with already. Jesus, woman!

• REMEMBER: You, my dearest, are the Captain of your Ship. Master of your Domain. Commander of your Kingdom. No one else has the power to chart the course but you. Take your power back. Watch the magic unfold before your very eyes. I shit you not. 

• Here’s what I suspect will happen when you quit drinking inside your relationship *using pretend crystal ball:

  1. You stop drinking. Your partner is annoyed. Not because you quit drinking but because your choice is forcing them to look at their own habits. YUCK! (Have patience with them. It sucks being alone in this. As you very well know).

  2. Your partner keeps drinking. In protest. Pulls away.  Drinks more to quell the static upstairs.

  3. You remain strong. Committed to enhancing the quality of your life and evolving in the name of your highest good. Your mood improves. Your skin improves. Your creativity improves. Your partner is disgruntled and lets it be known to the court. But begins to cock a crotchety eyebrow in the direction of interest. 

  4. You have some hard conversations. You want to drink to ease the pain of them. But remember the importance of sitting in discomfort. You are teaching your kids an essential life skill without using words (one might call this, magic? Did you say?) You don’t drink. You sit your butt in the chair and figure out the things you’ve been putting off for an eternity. 

  5. The things improve. And you deal with them. 

  6. The things don’t improve. And you deal with them. You deal with them because sobriety = integrity. You can rely on yourself now that you are not willfully imprisoned behind beer-bottle-bars. 

  7. Your partner refuses to admit that your change has inspired them. But that’s ok. You already know. You start listening to podcasts about trauma and healing, and this becomes your new thing: getting better. TOGETHER—a united front. Your kids notice and are happier. They can’t articulate why. But that’s ok. You already know.

  8. You stock the fridge with Topo Chicos and Diet cokes. And slowly, the the craft beer dwindles down to extinct.

  9. Things have changed. Things are better. You wish you would have done this sooner. 

And this is the story of what happened when I quit drinking inside my marriage. Magic. Magic happened. The fact that my marriage did not survive in the end had nothing to do with me (us) getting sober. In fact, the last 6 years were the best ones we had.

Listen, if this were easy, everybody would do it. It’s not easy. But you’re not everybody.

I love you, I see you. You got this. No go forth and conquer with your SuperSoberSelf!!!

Love, Rosie