Some will disapprove of my decision to take a seven and ten-year-old to see a PG-13-rated flick. I’ve never claimed to be a mathematician, but those numbers don’t add up. After waking up at 3 am for the second night in a row with two warm magnets knitted to my side ribs, I’d be inclined to agree.
It may surprise you to learn that it wasn’t the feature that wrecked us; it was the previews.
Particularly the new Hallie Berry horror film Never Let Go. I’m not feeling stable enough to relive it, but let’s just say it was not ok for my kids to see. The images and sounds of a human spider with its head on backward climbing up a tree will haunt us all for years to come. Maybe it doesn’t sound bad to you. Maybe you dig horror. I have never understood the fuss. But I felt like we went in expecting some light, comedic 80s jumpscares. And we left with a belly full of airheads and a dream world full of black smoke and night terrors.
If you want to see the movie, I highly recommend waiting until it comes out on Apple TV to avoid barrier one.
My girls and I loved the first Beetlejuice. Watching 90s movies together is how I explain the world I grew up in. Are these films wildly inappropriate, racy, and substance abuse-heavy? Why yes. Yes they are. My hope is that they take it easy on me later in life.
The main event had one thing going for it: Bob.
Remember the suit with the shrunken head in the waiting room? Well, he’s back and he’s the best thing about this movie! He returns as Bettlejuice’s right-hand loyal. Lips sewn shut as is customary in the Jivaroan Indian tsantsas-making process, he makes whimpering noises akin to your most treasured pet. Whose expressive, innocent eyes require no words to communicate their sadness at you. Bob was the laughing gas that kept us in the game!
The rest of the movie can best be described as this:
Kindergarten-cut bolts of construction paper pasted together in haste to form a collage I wouldn’t hang in my house.
That about sums it up. There were so many colorful themes hanging like leaves on tree limbs, but the limbs all seemed to be hanging from different trees. Nothing really went together. No sap in the trunks.
I could go on, but I won’t. It doesn’t feel great to pour into a less-than-stellar review, but you’ve been asking, and I thought this might be helpful!
Wynona Rider.
I think you’re either a die-hard or a blowhard. I know my piece yesterday was about how I’ve always wanted to be famous. Not because I think I’m a good actress, but merely because I have more facial expressions in my big toe than Wynona Rider has in Edward Scissorhands and both Beetlejuices combined. Just kidding. I love her. She’s iconic. So much for staying in a high vibration:)
My girls are fine. Core memories were made. We all laughed. Fifty dollars were tossed into a single bucket of hydrogenized popcorn. And even though I’m tired, I recognize the gift of being the gold hot mess in a girlie grilled cheese sleep sandwich for one more night.